It is almost Easter.
It is almost the 3rd Easter since I saw my family last.
It has been 3 years.
It feels like it all happened YESTERDAY.
According to society, I have committed a taboo,
by cutting off the contact with my parents,
by cutting off toxic hell.
I woke up this morning feeling some kind of way,
because it is almost the 3rd Easter without them.
It means nothing, it is just another day, I know this.
But my anxiety insists, that I keep in mind,
That I am the blackest sheep of all the sheep.
This makes half of me proud,
And half of me terribly depressed.
My husband this morning was amazing, while I cried.
repeating things that I have been crying over the last 3 years.
No it has not gotten easier.
I never got any validation from my parents, or my family.
Just a “when will you apologize to your parents…”
For the 8 page letter detailing my abuse which lead to all of this…..????
I cannot even create a scenario in my head where that would make sense.
I cannot move past this because NONE of my feelings, were ever validated.
I never got any “sorry’s.”
I never got any “lets do better’s”
I never got any “I believe you’s”
Just things like, “she is crazy” “She is lying” “drug addicted” “psycho” who needs to “stay on her meds”
but you’re right…. you did the BEST that you could.
I mean why would I hand you 8 pages of lies without telling the world….
Why wouldn’t I just tell all these “lies” to the world…..
The only time I ever really felt validated,
was by a total stranger,
a social worker in the domestic abuse office,
days after my father tried to kill me with his bare hands.
My husband, was amazing this morning.
He cannot believe that I am still in this place in my mind regarding them.
He said lets do some guided meditation.
And we did.
With his arms wrapped around me, kissing me and rubbing my back.
I sobbed even harder.
It is so hard to meditate, especially when my mind is always racing.
But this morning while failing meditation,
there was my husband,
I am so grateful for you<3