But, how do you begin to overcome this.
Long story short, self love.
Luckily I am a veteran at surviving things like physical, psychological, and emotional abuse, but not all of us are so lucky.
Here I am 9 days after you were removed from this house.
In 2 hours exactly.
9 days free.
Like a bird and I have only hardly begun to find my wings.
I never knew I had this strength.
I loved him.
This total narcissist, con-artist, abusive, selfish, asshole, drug addict.
But he saved me.
But I found out too late about him.
This forever be the best lesson of my lifetime.
And I should have known,
I should have.
I knew it all then, from the start.
I remember when I knew it,
I had many small signs that I ignored my gut over.
To start, he had the same exact tattoo,
On the same hand,
As my former, then current, completely narcissistic, lifetime abuser- my father.
But I ignored my gut at every turn.
“I just have anxiety,” my permanent excuse.
He was perfect,
In my extremely clouded, save-me, eyes.
I needed saving.
He was strong, intellectual, healthy… but maybe just good at acting…
I fell for it. He got me.
And here we are now, almost 6 years later
And it all went to complete hell.
Just like I knew that it would.
And yet, somehow, I have survived.
I dreamed of being on this side of it.
And here we are, finally, on the other side.
I don’t even know how we got this point.
I did not plan this.
I can’t believe this is where we are….
Finally.
Breathe.
I can’t say exactly when I began to fall away from him
I feel like I fell away from him when I found out his secret, almost 5 years ago.
Just before our 1 year anniversary.
Red plastic Dora spoon and syringe kit wrapped in a shoelace.
My new re-occurring nightmare.
My new reality.
But I was a few years into recovery.. how the hell did this happen?
That day my life ended, all those years ago in a hot September.
Standing there alone in that garage. Alone in the world.
And who would have thought that the day my life would begin again,
would be April 20th, 420. A day devoted to a plant.
A beautiful plant that grows, withstands, thrives, saves, heals, and cures.
What a remarkable day to celebrate my rebirth.
There is only growth from this point forward.
I take root and stand up on my own.
Nearing the end of this toxic relationship, I kept asking the universe to save me and guide me, and asking god to save me and help me (worth a shot right, just in case this one time he was listening) and finally a voice answered me…. It was a voice from inside of myself… and it said “bitch, you need to save yourself” and I know that I would totally refer to myself in that way, so I knew I had to not question it. It was a hard pill to swallow but I knew I just had to work towards the end goal no matter what. The last year has been tumultuous and unfathomable.
And now here I am alone, finally on the other side. I have my beautiful kids and we are fortunate to still have what we have. And I am not looking for a man to save me this time or ever again, because that does not exist. And I am grateful for that because I do not ever want to believe for a single second that I “Need” a man. I do not need a man. No woman NEEDS a man. You need YOU, baby girl, mind, body and soul, 100%!
Now, there may come some times where you need some services that would best require a man so please, be sure to ask for help. As a woman, I am stubborn as hell about asking for help. From small things to even bigger more complex things. But we are adults and we have things we need to accomplish so that we can keep things running smoothly in all aspects of our lives, our minds, our bodies, and souls. So sometimes, we may need parts of what a man has to offer.
The reasons I believe you may need parts of a man. For starters, keeping your sex chakra balanced and healthy, regardless of relationship status. Sometimes as women we just need that Vitamin D, right? We can usually handle the job on our own, but that just doesn’t completely satisfy us overall, so we need to switch it up every now and then. We need that intimate passion and release and to feel that connection and physical touch and no woman should ever feel ashamed of that. Or, maybe you just need a handyman to fix certain issues around the house, like a broken washer or moving something heavy, or maybe you just need the company and conversation of a man. In and out of a relationship you should never believe that you NEED a man for more than these things, according to me and my many failed attempts at believing that I needed a man to complete me.
Aside from those things, you do not NEED an actual man to DEFINE or COMPLETE you. You do not need a man to tell you that you are beautiful; you need to look in the mirror and say that to yourself. You do not need a man to support you financially, and do not ever let them think that this is true. Do not ever settle for a man that that makes you question anything including your passions or your integrity and strength and abilities. Do not ever settle for a man that makes you question the value of your life.
Wait for the man who enhances you. Wait for the man who will move mountains for you just because you are breathing. Wait for the man who puts forth the effort and interest without hesitation or having to be asked. Wait for the man that moves your body from the depths of your very core. Wait for the man who makes your soul tremble in euphoria with butterflies made of mini hurricanes. That basically all sounds like love right… but be sure that you are already working on self-love first before acting on these feelings. Being open to love and being lonely are truly distant cousins. Do not beg for attention. Do not try to change or save a man, it is not your job and it is most likely a lost cause. You will lose yourself a million times over trying to save them, I promise you that. If you do not at least like yourself, you will show others that it is o.k. to treat you less than what you deserve. Take care of yourself and your own happiness first, the rest will follow.
I am not sure if the man that I am telling you to wait for even exists, to be honest. But lately in the last year, especially, I have found so much blind hope. I do not really believe in God. I have anxiety, so I just say “who knows, I guess we will all find out someday, right?” But I do believe in the power of the universe and there being a greater power than all of us. I know it exists and that is enough for me.
I have had daddy issues my entire life until I cut my family off over 3 years ago. I do not know if these good and grown men exist but I am going to remain hopeful and open to the possibility of it. Especially because now at 30 years old I am finally beginning to even like myself. I want to love myself. I want to date myself. I want to love on my kids. I want to be carefree and let the universe guide me. I hope karma rewards me for my bravery and strength. I am not cut out to be completely alone, but I can promise you, myself, and my children, that I will never settle again.
Just like a plant, we come from this earth, we come from this universe, we come from star dust. Whatever we put out into the universe we will eventually get back in return. Do good always and you will receive it back and better than you could of ever have imagined. Please realize I did not always believe this to be true. I have only begun to follow this path and trust this process in the last year mainly. It is absolutely what saved my life and what is saving me daily. Believe in yourself because that is the only person that you need in this life! Ignore anyone trying to knock you off course.
One day at a time. We will overcome this.
I promise.
Love, Kristina.
XX
Healing Haven 