this may be the night that my dreams might let me know….

So many things are going to change and I am not sure that I am ready.

I am filled with sadness, right now.

I feel so bad for him. After everything.

I loved him no matter what.

I feel like a fool.

Full of dread.

I just feel lonely and sad and confused and lost

worthless

And at the same time, feel like I am an unstoppable force capable of anything.

 

I feel defeated and discouraged

And yet somehow remain hopeful

And I have no idea where that is even coming from.

 

I feel betrayed and let down

I feel sad because I miss some parts of him.

I feel sad because I have no idea if they were genuine or not.

 

I feel sad for my kids who have just me now.

Chandlar’s grades today hit me hard.

a B, a C, & a D-in math.

I can’t help but take responsibility for having her in a stressful environment and causing some of her difficulties.

And the only way I move past the guilt now is by saying to myself-

Self: You ended all of that, things will be better now, give yourself credit, and move on.

 

Thank goodness this is 1^st grade.

And not an entire lifetime for her.

 

I refuse to have my children spend any amount of their adult lives having to recover from their childhood.

This was the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life.

Earlier I was talking with my neighbor and I said “Yea, it has been a pretty rough few years…… which I now realize applies to my entire life”

That is garbage.

Things are going to change.

I am 30 years old, not dead.

I am nervous and excited and hopeful.

 

I know that these emotions are normal and necessary.

This is the human experience and unfortunately you have to sit in it.

You have to cry and scream and lose yourself in music while dancing around your house like a crazy person, especially for all of your neighbors to hear and see.

You have to be lonely and be strong and learn to live this new way, all at once.

Knowing he is in there, seething mad, hating my fucking guts.

I feel terrified sometimes.

And I guess that is all a part of it too.

And for the first time in my life, even though fighting it every step of the way,

I am open to allowing the universe to just guide me while I put my main focus on my kids and I and what we are doing next.

ugh.

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