Always progress over perfection!! There has to be no other option to maintain sanity in a totally insane brain and world.
I finally did it, I slept in my bedroom last night. It was 4 weeks exactly that I have slept on the couch. It has been brutal. Of course I had nightmares which I knew would the case. My plan on getting down there was to do so as soon as I felt like I couldn’t physically keep myself awake anymore and that was so the case at like 11:30pm after having been awake for 14 hours.
I laid down and bid thee fucking adieu.
The cats came in and out all night which made me feel safe and I don’t know how I remember this because honestly it was the best night of sleep I have gotten in probably years. I just woke up knowing and remembering these things.
I had a vivid dream that Chris was there searching around the house and collecting items like he was packing. He unlocked our basement metal storm doors and left them unlocked (maybe to return later?) and then left. In real life, locking those stupid creepy tornado rusty metal doors was the absolute first thing that I did. I will be burning sage in a bit here just to help ease anything else.
So, I survived. I made it. And I do not regret it and I am going to make it a goal to sleep in my bedroom every night. I woke up this morning with a revelation. I don’t have to worry about any additional expenses and what not until they come AND we do not have to leave this house until it is sold which means nothing really changes yet so I need to stay present. Seeing my daughter upset about not being able to join girl scouts last year because of the expense and we didn’t have a car….. killed me. And we talked this morning and I promised her I will do whatever it takes to get her into girl scouts this upcoming year.
I begin intermittent fasting this evening. I am excited. I look forward to the structure. I know it will help my gut health as well as my mental health. There are so many benefits and it is so practical.
I am working on the details today but it looks like I am going to begin my fast at 8pm tonight. I will not break the fast until noon or 1pm tomorrow. That will be a 16 to 17 hour fast. During my fast I will consume only black espresso and water. My water goal for the day is ½ gallon up to a gallon depending on activity. I will do 20-30 minutes of cardio in the morning up to 4 times a week. I have chosen to do intermittent fasting on a daily basis. My reasoning is because I already do, by habit, not eat until late in the day, which is not terrible but then I eat late into the night. I like this “dieting” style because instead of eating every 3 hours, and thinking about food all day, I can eat when my body actually feels hungry.
I am plagued with eating disorders in my past. This will eliminate so much binge eating for me also. If I can confine my eating to a 7 hour window, that is much easier to plan for compared to an entire day. This will also test my mental toughness. I have fasted in the past for a colonoscopy and other tests and one time when I had the flu fasted for 3.5 days only half of that time was completely by choice! I will be incorporating protein again and lifting as well. I am so excited to get my body back on track and beyond. I know it won’t be hard physically but mentally it will be a challenge. So I am going to be very public about my journey which I know will hold me accountable.
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thanks for the love and continued support!!
xx
Healing Haven 