I am broken–Not to be confused with un-fixable.

I haven’t been here in a while, seems to be my story lately. I have been productive just in other areas. But writing just seems to be on the back burner. I can’t bring myself to focus with the being around the kids 24/7.  Hoping Sal will be into daycare soon  and that will  help a lot.

Things are going o.k.. I am really in a stagnant unknown place. Things may be changing sooner than I had originally thought. Which brings me to my next thing….

I am broken =(

I am having such a hard time trusting, what appears to be totally genuine, from anybody. So, I start therapy at the end of the month. It is so necessary. Hopefully a few rounds of EMDR will help to reset me. It helped so much with the C-PTSD that I had dealt with because of my parents.

I like where my life is going. Part of it has become totally unexpected…. In a good way. I just wish I was able to not be insanely broken right now.  I will expand on all of this more, in time. Trying not to spill all the beans and jynx myself.

I just can’t wait to be in a better and healthier head space and a better and healthier place physically. There are too many painful memories here and it literally keeps me insane.

I will check back in the near future! Hopefully with better news!

 

You control me. And you aren’t here.

You have left me scarred, completely broken.

It is kind of like you have won.

I will never be able to accept another man freely again without being terrified,

At least that’s how it feels now.

You are behind actual prison bars

I feel like my mind is trapped within shackles

Inside of this home that is like a prison.

A prison of pain and memories

Heartaches

Failure

Abuse

I can’t get anywhere while I am still here.

I am going nowhere and not even fast.

I am trying to be hopeful for the future.

Somedays it is harder than others.

I still have to see the wall I broke fighting for my life

I still have to see my cat which flashes me back to you putting a gun to his little body

I still have to see the 3 places you put a gun to my head

I am not even sure how I am able to sleep in our bed.

In our bedroom.

The worst place in this hell.

I smudge sage multiple times a week.

But it is just you, you have ruined me.

I swear to fucking god I am not taking you with me when we move.

Your memory will stay in this fucking house

While your life stands stuck in prison.

I guess my life could be MORE stagnant… I could be the one incarcerated.

I shouldn’t complain but I will complain.

This feels like fire coming out of me and I am ready for war.

I will fight you at every turn, especially in my mind.

The only place where you still haunt me.

But not for long.

 

 

xx