I am bothered. My relationship ended for the last and final time and it has taught me a lot of lessons. Like, never settle, never feel like you need to be a certain way for somebody to like you, you can’t help and you can’t fix anybody’s drama or problems but your own, don’t stay where you feel misunderstood, don’t settle for somebody whose committed to misunderstanding you, never let somebody tell you that they didn’t hurt you or that your feelings are not valid, being alone is better than being with all of that above and yeah, fuck it. I won’t air it out here but I will say that the main idea is, our relationship ended and then was all of a sudden fought for by the opposing side, the “all now realizing” side, and a lot of things were said and love was reclaimed and we were happier than ever, until 3 months later when a situation arose and then the words no longer matched the actions. We were no longer that team we decided that we were going to be. I realized in a quick minute that NOTHING ACTUALLY CHANGED and an apology without change is just manipulation. (And if you’re reading this blog also right now and are again mad at me for writing about my feelings to process through this with clear anonymity, you don’t need to text me or call me about it. Nobody said you needed to be here! It says it in the tagline, “this is my healing haven, I come here to heal!”)
So, there it is. Same shit, different day, same fucking shit. My heart is broken and I feel betrayed. He keeps saying I am mad for a certain reason that he keeps repeating and I keep having to remind him that, that’s not the reason. He is not listening to me, and refuses to hear me, so I guess there’s no choice but to move on. Time to go back to working on me, my blog, my book, wrapping up my degree, and working on getting into graduate school. I can’t spend anymore nights crying about this and I need to just let it go. I am so mad because back when he decided “he could absolutely not live without me, no matter what” I was just about through the toughest part of grieving the loss of us, and here I am again, square fucking one! I will no longer call him, I will no longer text him, I am nobody to him. Yesterday he told me that he doesn’t hate me…. and I said well you don’t love me either. And his only response is a line that he keeps repeating over and over again and I keep reminding him that that’s not why I am mad and then we stay on this fucking nightmare of a carnival ride. I am getting off now.
I feel like we are on a merry-go-round
round and round and round
we
fucking
go
you don’t hear me
you won’t hear me
no matter how many times I say
why I am upset
instead
you keep repeating
and repeating and repeating
and repeating
and
repeating
something that I am not saying
because you do not hear me
you won’t hear me
it’s like you refuse
it’s like I am speaking another language
it’s like we became strangers over night
it’s like I am begging for you to understand
but you still don’t hear me
you won’t hear me
it’s like you can’t
there is a wall
we can’t break through it
it has distorted and ruined what we have
the wall is ego
the wall is frustration
the wall is concrete in its misunderstandings
the revolving carnival ride is broke down
yet still turning somehow
but I’m leaving
I wish you well
I wish you healing
I will always painfully love you
but this is the end
see ya.
Healing Haven 