Don’t ever let somebody, especially in a relationship, make you feel like your feelings aren’t valid. There is nothing worse than being in a relationship and feeling alienated from it. Sure, anybody can be overreactive at times and turn small things into nothing, that’s not what I am talking about. I am talking about somebody saying one thing and doing another which elicits an upset response. Sometimes when we are considered to be “overeating” or “turning something into a bigger issue than it is” we actually are reacting correctly to a situation that doesn’t jive well with our souls. If somebody has led you to believe a certain idea and then they deviate from that plan, it is upsetting. And then when being upset gets turned around on you…. that’s gaslighting. Don’t ever let anybody tell you that you aren’t allowed to feel what you feel.
The other part of this is knowing when to walk away from somebody who just does not understand you at all and does not try to. I read once “I hope you find somebody who speaks your language so that you don’t have to spend a lifetime translating your soul” and I felt that. Or if they are your opposite at least be sure that they are really down for you and learning your language. Pick somebody who is committed to learning about you, your health, your mental health, your likes, your dislikes. Don’t settle for somebody who picks apart who you are, how you are, the music you like, or how you curse like a sailor. Don’t settle for someone who refuses to problem solve and would rather go round and round with the same argument and no solution over and over again. It’s not worth it. Move on. Walk away.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if its so hard that its making you shake, making you break objects, giving you heart palpitations, making you lose sleep… walk away. It is not worth it. It is better to be alone than to be in a constant state of insanity because your partner is unable to effectively handle various areas of their lives. And when they sucker you back in for a second chance (anyone else a second and final chance giver??) with things like “I’ve changed” or “I realize I made a mistake” or “I never want to live another day of my life without you again” or “I am ready to be a team” but soon enough you realize its the same old shit, the fairy tale ends, the reality sets in and… A) they need to severely work on themselves and B) YOU need to walk away from a vicious and damaging cycle.
There is nothing worse (in terms of failed relationships) than a relationship ending the way my recent one did. We fell apart the second and final time for ultimately the same things from the firs time but this time it was different. There was gaslighting and unresolved garbage. I am going to do a back and forth skit to depict what I mean..
*dramatized skit*
Person 1- I am upset with you because you didn’t ask me if I wanted to go to the park, we said we were gonna be a team and do this together, but you didn’t ask for my input at all…
Person 2- I am sorry you’re upset with me because I went to the park
Person 1- no… that’s not why I’m upset at all. I am upset because you did not invite me, I was not even thought of, and I would have like to have gone. We said we were gonna talk about every time a park trip came up… like a team..
Person 2- I am sorry that you’re upset, but I am allowed to go to the park.
Person 1- Ok, I am not saying that you are not allowed to go to the park, I actually have
spent a long time encouraging that you do indeed go to the park, I would just like to also go sometime….
Person 2- I don’t understand why you’re making such a big deal out of nothing, I’m
allowed to go to the park….
I could keep going but I am frustrated with just that and I think the message has been received. Obviously our ordeal was not about going to the park, it was something much bigger with many variables, but the idea is the still the same. Walk away sis, it isn’t gonna get solved. It kills me that he could not even hear me, at all. He keeps saying I am mad about something that I am not even mad about. He isn’t even listening to or hearing me and I can’t spend anymore time trying to force him to hear me. To end a relationship like this is so tough, I just wanna go to him cry and yell until he realizes what exactly is going on but he won’t…. well he will, and by then it’ll be too late, again. But we won’t be doing this again!
1. People will not get your message if they are not ready to receive it
2. You can give somebody the world and still have no place in it
3. Don’t argue with people who are committed to misunderstanding you
Healing Haven 