A shit show. Blo[g][po]etry.

I don’t know where to start but I do know that I avoid writing because I do not want to confront these real situations and feelings in my life. If you follow me on social media, you’ll see that I over share, and on the other end of that phone I am scrolling endlessly in order to numb my brain of my current reality. My relationship was rocky last year from like October to November when it ended and then at the beginning of December my grandpa (my moms dad) died, he was my hero. I absolutely adored my grandpa and I hate that he’s gone and worry about my grandma every day. My boyfriend and I got back together over some monumental epiphany type shit in January, and things were moving along and come April we were back to having the same issues as before and so we broke up for good and then insert May- my other grandma (my dads mom) briefly falls ill and passes away, her funeral was actually today. I can’t believe she is gone now also, it makes me even more nervous for my now last living grandmother. That’s a lot to digest. I am mostly sick over a lot of it. Also having started the Humira injection at the end of March, it has taken a toll on my mental health state as well as my physical health, the side effects are tough. I’m just going through this Ground Hog Day style quarantine as best as I can with some pretty fucked up things happening along the way.

Today he texts me that he is having a “hard time letting go” of us. My heart is so broken over losing what I thought was my fairy tale ending. And I hate sitting here typing about it because here I am sobbing over it again and again. I am really looking forward to this pain passing. He explains that “its not easy letting go” and he “may never find this again” and “I’m a wreck without you” and I guess it just goes to show that you should appreciate what you have before you lose it……. and holy fucking shit IF you get it back for a second chance, don’t fuck it up if its REALLY worth it to you… Match your words to your actions the whole way through, not just for a few months. I’m still bitter.

We just wanted to be included
what happened was completely distorted
mixed up and re-sorted
twilight zone, gaslighting
walking on eggshells and fights

I did everything I could
And more
I lit myself on fire
to keep you warm
I defended you to those
who treated you poorly
I called you on your bullshit
to hold you accountable
I was up at 5am with you for work
avocado toast, smoothie, supplements
a packed lunch daily
with a note in each one

I fucking loved you
and I showed you that
and now you’ve lost me
and I need to be strong
because there’s no way
that I can go back

We all need to grow
and you just haven’t
And I hate that we
had to be a lesson
or that we had to meet
before you had your
issues managed

I will mend my broken heart
with time, weed, writing, and endless scrolling
I will be stronger because of all of this

You do you
you really need to
you’ve got some things you need to learn
about boundaries, manipulation, and control
and until you learn about them
they will continue to own you
If you keep letting people
in your life
walk all over you
and control you
and your issues
left unmanaged
it will always drive love away

I thought you were the one
turns out,
You were just the one
for right now

That’s the other part of this… everybody has baggage, and I think that finding somebody who is down to handle that baggage with you is RARE. And if you find somebody who is willing to make your drama theirs, and your stress theirs, and your life theirs, don’t be a dumbass and ever let go of that person!!! But that is where growth comes into play and when a person is not on or near your level, then we need to accept that and move on without them. I think the universe brings some people into our lives to teach us how to let go and maybe also to teach us when to draw the line on being so nice and so accommodating and so caring, especially when we aren’t fully being valued.

Don’t stay with people who just wanna trip over baggage constantly instead of objectively handling it without emotion destroying the ability to figure it out.

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