I am in this place where I am enjoying being alone but I also am yearning to not be. As a Libra, I am a lover and nurturer and I feel so taken for granted up to this point. I have decided to change my ways.
I have grown so much over the last several years and have learned about what I want in a partner and what I absolutely do not want in a partner. I have decided to not chase anyone, to not force anything, and to let it all happen just how it’s supposed to, with whoever it is supposed to happen with. I am in no rush, I am certainly not desperate or in need of someone however, I do miss having a partner to love, and to take care of. I had a few who treated me well and I miss those parts existing at all in my life, and they don’t anymore. Now, sure I have my kids and that love and nurturing is different and I am very grateful to have that and to not be completely alone. They will always be and have always been my main focus and that’s where my focus is now, on them and myself. But it still feels like something is missing.
I hope my soul mate is out there looking for me, because I can’t bring myself to actively search for him anymore. I may already know him, I may not. One thing about this journey toward enlightenment is living in a place of ‘what’s mean to be will be’ and ‘what’s not meant to be, won’t be’ and being ok with all of it. Being ok with letting go of whatever isn’t serving me, and releasing it into the universe to make room for the things that are meant for me.
For once, I want somebody to pursue me…. but not just anybody. It has to be somebody who has depth and substance and our conversations have to be real and not just surface and words that are said just to get me into bed. I can’t do it. I won’t send any nudes to any man who isn’t mine. I won’t message first if I feel like I am putting forth more effort than they are. I won’t force conversations or relations or force anybody to hang out. I won’t force somebody to see my worth if they can’t on their own. And quite honestly, as I had to tell a guy who messaged me the other night, I just have absolutely no small talk left in me. Thanks for saying that I am hott, but you gotta come at me with more than that. I know I look good, it took me a long time to gain confidence and self-esteem on my own without seeking external validation, thank you. I would rather a man message me about how they love the way my brain works, or they love the passion that I have, or that they love my strength and determination to survive and to get shit done, on my own. But to message me about my attractiveness? Please…. we are adults. Attractiveness doesn’t equal love, that shit is only surface. My face and body might be hott but my brain is fucking sexy and I refuse to ever be with a man who doesn’t embrace that and support that.
Dating these days is stupid. My bestie said sometimes she misses the dating realm but then also really enjoys being married more and not dealing with the uncertainty and I had to tell her that dating these days is so different from 5 and 10 years ago. I guess maybe it changes as you get older (like it sucks ass more the older you get) but I will just say it turns me off more and more every time. As much as I don’t want to ever deal with another relationship and I am fine with being single and accepting that as my life plan… god I want so much more. I want somebody to share my life with and make memories with. I want somebody to be an active, loving, and supportive role model in my children’s lives. I want somebody to love me, respect me, nourish me, and to love cats as much as I do, Is that so wrong?
Well, at any rate, my standards are so high now that you could jump off of them and never reach the bottom. I currently am into somebody but, it’s such a mystery of if the feelings are mutual and that is fucking terrifying. So I have decided to just step back and allow the universe to do what it does and if he’s the one for me, that’s fucking amazing because I have waited a long time for him and I to have this point in time where things are lining up…. But if he’s not, we will at least be friends and I will be fine with it, I am choosing to be fine with it. I am staying patient with the process, regardless. And apparently there are plenty of fish in the sea but, at this rate the sea is near Fukushima and all the fish have cancers and problems due to radiation, they are controlling or on drugs or abusive, or they don’t like cats, etc. etc. etc., and its likely better to just not go fishing period.
The best thing that I can do right now is focus on myself and all of the pieces will fall into place how and when they are meant to. Having anxiety is a bitch though because the doubts always find a way to pop up. Somebody could be into me and I will still find a way to convince myself that they don’t like me, so I am working hard at not reading between the lines and just taking shit at face value and redirecting my focus to myself over and over again. I have a list of things to accomplish this summer and I need to stay focused on that and not worried about love. Which I am totally not worried about, I guess it’s just tough going from my marriage, and then to the relationship that I thought was the one, to now back to the drawing board. But it is what it is and I can only focus on me and the things that I want to get done…. Plus more rocks, crystals, tattoos, money and making memories with my children, I am good with that! We are just fine, to be honest. And if this is it and I end up alone forever, I guess so be it. Part of me doesn’t believe that I will end up alone, but part of me taunts me with the idea of ‘alone’ being my end result.
I talked with a friend the other day about over-loving and how I should stop doing that and he agreed that over-loving only ever ended up with him being hurt the most. I had to catch myself though, because I wasn’t being honest. As much as I want to throw in the towel on love, I won’t. I do firmly believe in the universe and karma and with that being said, I believe that eventually I will receive back ALL of the love that I have ever given. And the only way that is going to happen is by keeping my standards high, never settling, and not forcing it. I am going to be just fine with being alone until the universe is ready to give me what I deserve, because I do also believe that the universe doesn’t give things to you until you’re ready to accept them. I feel ready, but just in case I am not, I am not going to worry about it.
Healing Haven 