This must be what it feels like when your soul is tired. I thought I had been there already but now I know that I am really there.
It happened because there was a spark and a connection and reciprocation and then there was a wall. I am not mad, I am just aware. I totally believe that our souls recognize other souls and only some souls, very few, feel like home to our own, and it’s not often that we find them. Like the perfect counter part. The problem? We are all broken and hanging onto past pain. I was not prepared for this. I feel awful also for venting before just writing and keeping it to myself. Always write first!! You don’t need to spill your soul to people, you probably shouldn’t.
I currently have experienced two types of connections, one spiritual and one sexual—but without the sex.. just very sex fueled, less spiritual.. more based on looks and arousal… if that makes any sense. A connection that happens on a surface, sex, looks, based level is the one I seem to find most often, it is basically the norm. It is not something that I want at this point in my life, I am not interested at all. Men enjoy my looks and my body and their fantasies more than they could ever enjoy or appreciate my mind and my love. And this once, I have found a connection that was spiritual; on an entirely different level. Somebody who speaks my language entirely. There was complete synchronicity from the first conversation, and that is INCREDIBLY rare. And when you find that ONE time in like 15 years, or maybe once in your whole life, that makes it sad as fuck. I had such an eye opener this past weekend which has lead me to experience a great deal of sadness. And it isn’t as much about the person as much as it is about the actual existence of the connection.
Now, I just want to make clear that I am not going to drown in this, I know things have the potential to change and if they don’t, I will still be fine. I am the lone survivor. But the simple instance of experiencing such an amazing connection followed by a wall, makes a person feel defeated. For them, it was not felt in the earth shattering way that I felt it (which is the way it always goes) and I suppose that’s the price you pay for having a heart that is too large for this world. I seem to meet emotionally numb/emotionally absent men, I shower them in love like my pain does not exist, accepting that I likely won’t see it in return, that is the price I pay. I feel like I am at a point where I crave to be emotionally numb and cold and I wonder all the time, why that won’t happen to me. Why was my heart made so big compared to those around me?
I am tired. This is why I have stopped looking. But I did not expect to find this that which I was not looking for, and I feel so blindsided and it is taking a toll on my soul. I read once, regarding energy, “pay attention to what you feel like after spending time with someone” and the truth is you can never be prepared for what that experience will be like. This has shook me, not in a good or bad way, just in a way that is hard to swallow. I have decided to check out of social media for a while and keep it limited for business only. Anytime I feel these set backs in life, I always redirect my focus and energy to myself.
This was a lot of venting that I am not really sure where it came from but, I guess I come to many recognitions all of the time and some of them are tougher to digest than others. I needed to get it out.
I hope we all heal so that when things come to us that might be meant for us, we see them with clarity and not through the lenses of past pain and suffering. Only this way can we truly be open for the plan of the universe and with what aligns with us.
Imagine how much we miss because we don’t allow ourselves to be open.
And ps, you can still be sad and lonely and also be ok with not knowing what is coming while also trusting the process of the universe. Yea, its a shit show cluster fuck!
Healing Haven 