I have overstayed my welcome many times in all types of relationships because I constantly re-paint people even after they have shown me their true colors.. That’s no Michaelangelo type shit… that is some straight Picasso type shit because his art was wack.
I think I do this because my heart is so big and I am able to see people’s potential so even though they show me shit that isn’t cool, somewhere inside of me, I am always giving the benefit of the doubt. I need to stop this!!!! Doing this over and over again just opens the door for more pain and more disrespect. I also think I allow it for so long because I feel for people who are hurt/have unresolved hurt, but for how long do I need to do this at my expense? This just leads to chasing people who don’t give a shit about losing us and it is not worth it. The definition of insanity is repeating the same thing over and over again expecting different results; so maybe I am just insane.
My heart is too big for this world and that becomes more and more clear as time goes on. I am so tired of constantly being let down by so many things in life but especially love. Is love even real anymore? I feel like so many people are just looking for a temporary fix to entertain; they don’t want the full experience. Everybody wants unconditional love while also bringing along a box full of conditions. It’s time to stop staying with people who make us feel alone; if that’s your current situation, then just be alone. I promise it hurts way less. I let down my walls and let people in and regret it almost instantly anymore. You should never stay somewhere that you aren’t valued completely and you can’t force people to value you. Some people don’t really appreciate and value you, they just appreciate and value what you can do for them or they appreciate the attention. When a person truly values you, they do so consistently, not just when it is convenient for them to do so. It is a not a light switch. If they continuously hurt you and then blame you for your pain that they caused….. that is not o.k. and that isn’t how relationships or friendships are supposed to work, I don’t care what excuses you have.
I firmly believe that everybody comes into our lives for a reason and they are either a blessing or a lesson. I feel like I have had enough lessons for a lifetime but apparently the universe disagrees because they just keep on coming. I think the goal is to turn me off all together and turn my heart to stone (one can only fucking hope!!!!!!). I am too good of a woman to put up with various things and if removing myself from the situation doesn’t cause them to miss me, then fuck it, I was never meant to be there int he first place. I guess sometimes it be like that……….. right??
I have done a good job about keeping my walls up, I don’t let them down for just anybody. Then when I decide to let them down that blows up in my face. Why do I still end up letting my walls down for people who don’t even give a shit, what is wrong with me???? We should not have to beg people to see our worth or to treat us right. They are grown, they know what the fuck they’re doing. Sometimes its best to just walk away and never bother them again. It can be hard but it is so necessary. Eventually there may be regrets once they realize what they have lost but fuck it, we aren’t here to please any of these motherfuckers or to make them see us. If they don’t want to then that is their loss.
Relationships come with many elements that many people are unable to engage in. People think communication is the key but honestly if somebody can’t comprehend or isn’t willing to understand, then you aren’t going to get very far. Trust can’t even be discussed if there is no understanding. So then what exactly do you have? You have nothing… and if that’s the case, don’t kill yourself trying to make it something.
I am dealing with so many levels of stress from a variety of things in life right now, as we all are for sure. Today I am working on shifting my focus back to self. I am done giving away the love that I should just be giving to myself. What I require, I can also provide…. read that again and again until it sinks it and you believe it. It is so true and I am looking forward to going back to that mindset without entertaining anymore distractions.
Burn all of the bridges that lead to you,
and all of the parts of yourself that exists,
that allowed so many low vibrational mother fuckers access to you!
Learn to love the sound of your feet walking away from the people and things that are not meant for you!
Healing Haven 