The Struggle is Real

Why is it so hard to quit something that is so bad for you?

I have spent the weekend weening with smoking cigarettes and will officially try to smoke zero cigarettes tomorrow. I don’t understand how something so deadly and so addictive is legal. I have quit so many things; hard drugs, gluten, most meats, but when it comes to cigarettes, I feel so helpless and powerless. Addiction is such a bitch!

I know that I am my own worst enemy and need to get out of my own way. I guess I am writing this as a way to hold myself accountable. They say your secrets keep you sick and if I keep this to myself, it’ll remain my dirty little secret and I don’t want that.

Especially being on Enbrel (low-dose chemo) I am at a higher risk for getting diseases and cancers because my immune system is less able to fight off infection. Knowing this alone, makes me feel terrible every single time I light up. I am killing myself and being so irresponsible.

Well tomorrow is a new day and I am going to start fresh and use my nicorette gum and other vices to try and combat cravings. It’s hard being around people that smoke and living with people that smoke while trying to quit but I know that I am responsible for me and making decisions for me. I can’t put the blame on anybody else and wont.

On a positive note, I recently purchased a light therapy mask for my acne and have seen so many positive results after just a handful of uses. I figure, smoking is probably also killing my face so just another reason to quit. I love this mask so far and it also forces me to sit down and check-out for 25-30 minutes which is something that I am not used to. That element of self-care is so important and I am glad I have found another method to engage in.

I also cant believe that I am wrapping up my first graduate school term. Things are going great overall. I love my life, my boyfriend is incredible, my kids are healthy and thriving. I am so much to be grateful for so it’s time to put my health as a complete and total focus. If I could effortlessly quit gluten and meat because it’s bad for my autoimmune disease, then I should be able to apply the same thinking to cigarettes. But that addiction component is a bitch!

Send me positive vibes and strength! I need it!


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